For a growing number of young Nigerians, the idea of family being sacred no matter what no longer holds weight. In a society where parental authority is rarely questioned and filial obedience is seen as a moral obligation, walking away from one’s parents is often considered unthinkable. But behind closed doors, many young people are quietly — and sometimes not so quietly — cutting ties with the people who raised them.
In this article, we speak to young Nigerians who have chosen to go no-contact with their parents. They open up about the reasons for their estranged parental relationships and what would make them consider reconciliation.
“I had to cut him off for my mental well-being” — Zainab* (24)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
I cut off my father because he was a financially abusive and narcissistic person. He was never present, neglected my siblings and me, and always found a way to justify his actions instead of making up for them.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
I can never consider reconciliation with him. It’s not possible. I don’t think I have processed all the trauma I experienced while our relationship lasted. I had to cut him off for my mental well-being, and I’d like to keep it that way forever.
“He’s the most wicked man I know.” — Adanna* (27)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
My father is the most wicked man I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering in this life. He’s an abusive deadbeat, and his actions towards my family and me are unacceptable. My mother and the rest of my siblings are all estranged from him.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
Absolutely nothing. Except maybe when he kicks the bucket. I can perform sadness in hindsight so that people will send me condolence money. The economy is tough right now.
“He’s refused to give me an apology” — Damola* (24)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
I cut him off because he was an unapologetic deadbeat. He left when I was 2 years old, came back 21 years later and said he didn’t owe me any apology and that I should stop acting like a kid. I cut him off after he said that rubbish. Everyone else in my family has reconciled with him except me.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
I need him to make a genuine apology to me for what he said. I want him to reflect on his actions and understand why they were wrong. Maybe after that, I’ll be open to reconciliation.
“It’s better for my mental health if we never reconcile.” — Tomi* (26)
- Why did you cut off your mum?
She’s way too toxic and controlling. She’s always trying to force me to do things her own way, forgetting I’m different from her and that even if I’m her child, I’m allowed to have different likes and dislikes. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore, so last year, I moved out without telling her my new location and changed my SIM.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with her?
Nothing. It’s better for my mental health if we never reconcile.
“He lied about my younger brother’s genotype for over 17 years.” — Helena*(26)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
I cut my father off after he lied about my younger brother’s genotype for over 17 years. He claimed the boy had an STD in order to hide the fact that he had sickle cell disease. He was also abusive, negligent, and emotionally absent all my life. When my mum had a serious accident, he abandoned her in pain for ten months without taking her to see a specialist. Mind you, this is a man who is locally praised as a family medicine consultant.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
Unless he apologises and does right by my mother, I’m not interested in any form of reconciliation. And even if he does, all he’ll get is probably forgiveness because I don’t know how to rebuild anything with someone who chose to break so much on purpose.
“She sent me off to work as a maid when I was about 10.” — Fayo*(28)
- Why did you cut off your mum?
I cut off my mother because she sent me off to work as a maid when I was about 10. I was living with my grandmother, but she suddenly came one day, lied that my dad’s sister wanted to see me, and never took me back to my grandmother. I worked at that house for over two years. The only reason she even came to take me away was because the woman accused me of stealing her money, which I unfortunately lost when I went to run an errand for her.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with her?
Nothing can make me consider reconciliation right now. The pain from that experience lingers, and all hopes of getting my mother to properly apologise for it or take responsibility for her actions are gone, so there’s no point. To her, she didn’t do anything wrong, and she gets defensive when I bring it up. The last time was the worst; it turned into a heated argument in which she cursed me out.
“He’s an unapologetic abuser.” — Boluwatife*(25)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
I estranged myself from my father because he’s an abuser. There’s so much to resent him for as a father and how he treats his kids, but how he treats my mother takes the cake. He is emotionally, physically, financially and sexually abusive towards her and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
Nothing in the world. That bridge is burned to the ground.
“One day, my brother and I left the house, and refused to come back until our mother left him.” — Tolulope*(26)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
He was very abusive, especially to our mother. So much so that one day, my brother and I woke up and left the house, and we refused to come back until our mother left him. She was scared to leave, but we didn’t budge, and that pushed her to divorce him officially.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
Nothing. I’m not sure how he got my number, but he called me 2 years ago and said he was dying, that he wanted us to forgive him. I couldn’t care less if he died. I wasn’t moved by the story and blocked him immediately.
“He’s emotionally and physically abusive to everyone.” — Tunrayo*(27)
- Why did you cut off your dad?
My dad is emotionally and physically abusive to everyone– his many wives and children alike. It made me want to separate myself from my family initially, but my decision became final after he paid a visit to my school in Ibadan to confront me about my personal life decisions. He also started to beat me 2 years after I left home, and that was the final thing that made me decide not to go back home again.
- What would make you consider reconciliation with him?
I don’t think anything would make me consider reconciling with him because even as recently as last year, he was still exhibiting this bad behaviour. I even noticed that the younger kids who are now the age I was when I left home are also leaving. It’s clear he’s not willing to change.
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