Friendships come in different forms, but Yoruba auntie friendships? Those are a league of their own. They’re more about full-fledged commitment to the clique, owambes, uniformed aso ebi that costs a fortune, and the silent rule that you must never be the odd one out. But what happens when an auntie decides she’s had enough? We spoke to five Nigerian women over 50 who chose to walk away from their long-time friendship groups — and never looked back.
“I realised they didn’t rate me” — *Bose, 55
Nothing stings more than realising your friends have deliberately left you out of something. It’s even worse when their excuse is that they thought they were doing you a favour. That’s exactly how *Bose knew it was time to move on.
“I’ve been friends with these women for over a decade. We’ve done birthdays, weddings, and countless owambes together. But last year, one of them threw a massive 50th birthday party, and they all showed up in matching lace except me. Nobody told me about it. When I asked why, they said they assumed I wouldn’t want to buy it because it was expensive, and I’d been complaining about the cost of previous ones. That was my wake-up call. If they truly considered me a friend, they wouldn’t have left me out and made me feel like an outsider. I didn’t fight them, but I slowly stopped attending the group’s events.”
“They turned my kindness into an insult” — *Shade, 51
People always say “it’s the thought that counts” when it comes to gifts, but for *Shade’s friends, only expensive gifts were good enough. After years of friendship, she was shocked to realise they valued her money more than her presence.
“I’m a single mum putting two children through university, so I don’t have money to waste. At every party, my friends hand out souvenirs like expensive blenders and food processors, but I keep it simple with detergent. After a while, I noticed two of them started acting distant. It all came to a head at a party when they deliberately left my souvenir on the table while leaving. When I asked them about it, they said I always gave ‘cheap’ gifts despite them going all out for me. I was hurt because they know my financial situation. That night, we had a heated argument, and I decided I was done with the group.”
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“I got tired of trying to keep up” — *Funmi, 50
For some women, friendships are a sisterhood. For others, they’re an extreme sport. Funmi spent years keeping up with hers, until she realised she couldn’t anymore.
“Every weekend, there was one party or the other. Each one came with an aso ebi that ran into hundreds of thousands. And it wasn’t just that, you were still expected to hand out expensive souvenirs, and even your jewellery couldn’t be repeated too often, so it wouldn’t look like you didn’t have enough.
I managed for years, stretching myself just to keep up. But at some point, I started withdrawing. I started turning down invites. When they brought new aso ebi, I told them I couldn’t buy it. Obviously, once I stopped participating, the calls became less frequent. Then, they stopped altogether. That’s how the friendship fizzled out. I didn’t even fight it. At my age, I know when something is no longer meant for me.”
“I was the problem because I chose myself” — *Helen, 52
Leaving her marriage was hard enough, but *Helen never expected that the real battle would be with her own friends.
“I thought they’d be my safe space, but instead, they treated me like I was doing something shameful. I had known these women for decades, women who had seen me struggle in that marriage. But when I finally left, they acted like I was betraying them. Most of them were still married, and I realised they weren’t just upset about my divorce; they were scared. My decision made them question their own marriages and wonder if they were truly happy or just enduring. It was easier for them to frame me as the problem than to confront their doubts.
They didn’t come right out and say it, but I heard it in their comments: ‘Marriage is not easy, but we endure.’ ‘At our age, starting over is risky.’ One even said, ‘What will people say?’ as if that was supposed to matter more than my peace of mind. The final straw was when one of them called my ex to ‘pray’ for us to get back together. That was it. I realised they weren’t my friends, they were just women who needed me to stay in a bad marriage so they could feel better about staying in theirs. So, I chose myself and walked away.”
“I was the bad person for wanting my own jewelry back” — *Adija, 56
Yoruba auntie friendships thrive on trust and favours. But what happens when a friend takes advantage of that trust? *Adija, 54, learned the hard way when a close friend borrowed her gold jewelry worth millions and refused to return it.
“I should have known better than to mix friendship and valuables, but when a close friend asked to borrow my gold jewelry set for her daughter’s wedding, I didn’t think twice. This wasn’t just any set; it was worth millions, a gift from my husband on our 25th anniversary.
Weeks passed after the wedding, and she kept making excuses. ‘Let me hold it till my niece’s introduction.’ ‘I’ve been so busy, I forgot to bring it.’ Meanwhile, I kept seeing her wear it to different events. When I finally went to her house to demand it back, she acted like I was being dramatic. She told me she’d bring it later, but I refused to leave without it.
The real shocker came when our mutual friends sided with her. They said I embarrassed her by showing up at her house. That I threw away years of friendship over ‘just jewelry.’ If I could do this to her, they said, what’s stopping me from doing it to them? As if I was the one who borrowed millions worth of gold and refused to return it. We’re still cordial, but I know where I stand now. Some friendships only work when you’re the one being taken for granted.
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